I was watching Hamilton for the umpteenth time, and found myself mulling over a line from one of the songs: "Dying is easy, living is harder."
Friends, I don't have to tell you that living is hard. With cancer, a pandemic, racial divides, war, so many other trials - and the turmoil that comes with all of it - it's very hard, indeed. With the stress, the anxiety, the depression, the trauma... It's an understatement that life can be very, very difficult. A friend once said that it's like driving with the parking breaks on. Aren't we all just muddling through, stalled at an intersection and trying to figure out the next step, the next chapter, the next journey?
In some ways, death feels like the easy way out. And yet, as challenging as life can be, we push onward. Mainly because we have to, but also because we want to.
People have been apologizing to me because they complain about their lives but then feel like they need to trivialize their issues when compared to mine. I tell everyone the same thing: it's all relative. Perspectives adjust. Your pain is your pain regardless of what I'm going through. There are times when I feel very sorry for myself, but then I take a step back and see lives being ripped apart by war - and suddenly, hair loss and nausea and hot flashes and insomnia don't seem like such a big deal anymore.
But it's all relative, right?
I won't tell you how to live your life, because, frankly, it's none of my business. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with in their own time. But being on the precipice of death means I get to see all of the privileges that life has to offer. And I will say that, for me (and this extends to my "four-group family" as my son calls us Millers), I plan to reroute my life a little differently now, where possible:
I want to be kinder to myself. I want to give myself a break when I need it. I want to let myself be brave when I feel the courage. I want to remind myself that I am not entitled to a "good life" just because I feel like I deserve one.
Life can be tough, but also really rewarding. And while I may have been dealt what some might consider a "losing hand" that makes living infinitely harder, it's up to me to make these changes for myself - to decide which way to go as I navigate through a hard life towards some semblance of happiness.
Happiness. What can be more rewarding than that?
