Well. It had to happen at some point.
I became too comfortable with my current lifestyle and assumed that my situation would stay the same throughout the rest of my treatments. And we all know what they say about people who "assume."
I became too comfortable with my current lifestyle and assumed that my situation would stay the same throughout the rest of my treatments. And we all know what they say about people who "assume."
The reality, of course, is that in life nothing is certain, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. But this is what makes life so wonderful, in theory: how each day can be seen as new and fresh and different, with no mistakes in it (yet), and there are hidden surprises around every corner just waiting to be discovered. Then again, I'm not really a big fan of surprises. Case in point.
My surprise came on Monday morning in the form of my doctor telling me that my white blood count was the lowest it has ever been. I believe the exact words he used were "dangerously low." And then I had to get another one of those immune boost shots (not the same shot as the one I'd had after my first chemo session, but similar). And then I was told that I shouldn't go back to the office until my white blood count was back to a normal, healthy level. If that's even possible.
I was, in a word, disappointed. Here is where I realized my error in judgement.
The thing is, I look forward to going back to work. Working helps me to create a sense of normalcy in my otherwise pretty depressing life. I know I am extremely lucky to have a job at which I not only excel but also enjoy. I work hard and feel productive and valued. I see and talk to people whom I genuinely appreciate. I behave like someone who hasn't just gone through a round of chemo.
And, like a fool, I thought my schedule would always be the same every time going into the next chemo treatment. One week of chemo/recovery followed by two weeks at the office. It had worked so well up until now. Luckily, I have the type of job where I can work from home, but it's not the same. It's like I'm completely helpless. My bed is becoming more and more like a cage. I want to be out in the world, experiencing life. The taste of freedom is bittersweet.
I have to keep in mind that nothing is certain, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. I have to learn to embrace life's many surprises, both the good and the bad. Otherwise, I will be perpetually disappointed. Then again, maybe it's okay to be disappointed once in a while, so long as one doesn't give up on hope. To borrow MLK, Jr. rhetoric: disappointment is finite, hope is infinite.
And so, while I do feel disappointment, I also continue to have hope. Hope that each day will be new and fresh and different, with no mistakes in it (yet). Hope that one day, I will have real, true freedom.
Freedom from cancer.
I was, in a word, disappointed. Here is where I realized my error in judgement.
The thing is, I look forward to going back to work. Working helps me to create a sense of normalcy in my otherwise pretty depressing life. I know I am extremely lucky to have a job at which I not only excel but also enjoy. I work hard and feel productive and valued. I see and talk to people whom I genuinely appreciate. I behave like someone who hasn't just gone through a round of chemo.
And, like a fool, I thought my schedule would always be the same every time going into the next chemo treatment. One week of chemo/recovery followed by two weeks at the office. It had worked so well up until now. Luckily, I have the type of job where I can work from home, but it's not the same. It's like I'm completely helpless. My bed is becoming more and more like a cage. I want to be out in the world, experiencing life. The taste of freedom is bittersweet.
I have to keep in mind that nothing is certain, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. I have to learn to embrace life's many surprises, both the good and the bad. Otherwise, I will be perpetually disappointed. Then again, maybe it's okay to be disappointed once in a while, so long as one doesn't give up on hope. To borrow MLK, Jr. rhetoric: disappointment is finite, hope is infinite.
And so, while I do feel disappointment, I also continue to have hope. Hope that each day will be new and fresh and different, with no mistakes in it (yet). Hope that one day, I will have real, true freedom.
Freedom from cancer.
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