The month of expectation.

Emily Dickinson writes that "March is the month of expectation." How fitting, considering the little expectation I have going into this new month.

Tomorrow will be my third round of chemo. Three out of six. The mid-way point. The colloquial "hump day," as it were.  My naiveté had hoped that these treatments, and the subsequent recovery process, would be very much like the month of March: in like a lion, out like a lamb. But then reality kicks in. You realize the lion probably ate the lamb, so March (as well as my chemo recovery in tandem) will probably be more "in like a lion, out like a lion." A well-fed lion.

Here I am again, unable to predict what the future holds for me. If my experience so far has taught me anything it's that every round of chemo is different. I basically have no idea what to expect going into this next infusion. My mind is flooded with all sorts of questions, like, How is it going to be this time: easier, harder? What if I have another reaction? Would I have to switch to a harsher chemo?

And I hate that, because I'm a neurotic control-freak perfectionist.

So I can't think about it, otherwise it drives me nuts. Instead, I putter around the house and drink lots of fluids and distract myself with movies and other forms of entertainment. Steroids give me a voracious appetite, and there are moments where I find myself longing to eat my weight in food. Which is a good thing, I guess.

Also helpful: The cards and gifts and well-wishes and advice and visits and prayers and food and monetary assistance and texts and e-mails and Facebook messages and phone calls and one-on-one card games. To know you are thinking of me and my family, even for a moment, helps me battle this awful cancer in more ways than the chemo ever could. Chemo is a poison, after all, and humanity is the antidote.

I had decided from the very beginning that I would beat this cancer, with the intention of doing it by myself, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. It makes the daunting task much less scary and more feasible. And with assistance, I will fight that lion into submission.

My one expectation for March: In like a lion, out like a lamb.