Is this real life.

So, more news.

Not good news.

Actually, it just keeps getting worse.

And worse.

Deep breath,

Well.

Okay, so.

Remember how I found out I had stage 2B cancer like, a month ago? Anyway, my doctor was all, we need to have some more scans done to make sure nothing else spread. We tried to get a pet scan done back in December but my insurance denied it three times! Thanks, guys. So, finally I did a series of tests: BRCA gene mutation blood test, bi-lateral MRI, a full-body bone scan, a CT scan of the chest/abdomen/pelvic region, an echo-cardiogram to check my heart, a fertility visit to discuss options and to make sure my ovaries are okay, an OBGYN visit to make sure I don't have cervical cancer, and a dental visit to make sure I don't have cavities. And then after all of that, my doctor is like, so, good news: negative for BRCA, MRI report shows the cancer is localized in the right breast and some lymph nodes only (so, nothing on the left side), bone scan report shows no signs of cancer cells, echo-cardiogram report shows I have a good, strong heart, OBGYN report shows no signs of cervical cancer, and dental report shows I have perfect teeth. On to the bad news: While the fertility visit showed that I had perfect ovaries, it was clear that I wouldn't be eligible for any procedures, such as harvesting and freezing eggs (due to time constraints) and shutting down the ovaries wouldn't be really be worth it because it would mean giving me super uncomfortable menopausal symptoms on top of the chemo symptoms. And the CT scan shows that there are signs of "abnormal" growth in my liver and right lung, so I'll need to have to have a liver biopsy and a brain MRI done, and so I did the biopsy on the same day that I put in my port catheter (ugh, THAT is a story for another day) and the liver biopsy results came back today. Surgery/additional radiation are no longer treatment options, at least for now.  Because the biopsy confirmed that the growth is indeed malignant.

So now it's considered stage 4.

As in metastatic cancer.

As in terminal cancer.

Typical life expectancy for stage 4 breast cancer?

The median is 5 years.

FIVE YEARS?!

But... but...

I'm only 30!

My kids are 5 and 2!

Well, the HOPE is five years.

And then better treatments will come out.

Which would HOPEFULLY prolong my life a little more.

Maybe another 5 years.

So, 10 years.

At best.

That is the hope, anyway.

I just... I can't.